smearing

cross my heart,i havent any springsummer budy ;]

I slaughter the fences on every single angle with any great possibilities that i could get. As long as my hands could digest the pressure that is. With a keen sword that were casting its savageness at the very edge of it. The best sword that any warrior would want to have their fist on. The weapon that would guarantee you a life nor taking over every enemies breath at once. In other words, to win this war that every humanities had started it but could never end it. But not me. Enthusiasm was passing from my sight, vanishing itself from my vocabulary . I am always the ungrateful one, i know. Winning this battle was and will never reach my priority list. It was similarly to nothing. It brings me to nothing.


All this time, i've been forging millions of footsteps to some place that is plainly worth for nothing. My name was never in the list of gaining benefits as i was always the unfortunate one. When the world starts to spin around, putting me on top of the list that i could smell every breath of every beneficial things that i could sense. I was flooded with the awkwardness . I was the gainer. Every goods was at the end of my finger tips and i tell myself how lovely life could be. Not knowing that it was actually carving myself to be someone repulsive. My eyes were blindfolded by the fantasy that i couldn't see any of the realities that were peeking me behind the tiny holes of the crowded scene . It only takes a glance to save myself from this lunacy but, i was far in front that i could only see just the tiny image of the reality from where i stood.


Now that i am half wide awake, i've already set my goal. To believe that the path that i am on is the right path. Gratefulness is starting to smear deep down. I am grateful to have my dearest someone to literally hold my hands and make me feel brand new again. Friends that are the spring of my laughter. And family, which is the backbone of my life.

hurling a boomerang

a flashback where i cant forget ;[


Few months back , i was carried away by the indulgence that liberty had given me. And that was then. Right now, i am running out of paint to brush out all the fibs i've done. Everything is coherent enough for every eyes to witness. Every scars were a betrayal to none other but myself. Just when i thought that the past has finally took its departure, it came back. Infect, it grew stronger than ever. All the memories were sailing towards the shore of my ocean thoughts and a string of emotions were jumbled into one boat. I had no best words to make it explicit. Worst part is, i never thought that i could be so bloody sensitive over things until now. I am nettled by my own self as much as you do. No worries.


I was embarrassed by the dramas i've sewed myself into that i wanted to draw a line from everyone. Every time i forged an effort to forget, to hurl it into the junkyard, it kept on flying back at me like a boomerang. Although, there were still good memories left to grasp for. Yet, its edges can be really keen that it hurts to even let it cross my mind. I was everything that that i am not right now. Because that was what i'd glided myself into back then. The path i'd chosen was a decision that i never knew about. I never bother slicing my thoughts before i let my body became functional again. I was reckless about every words that ought to carry a meaning


Still, no matter how much i've tried to hurl the boomerang away from my vision, i can get nothing but a tight slap from disappointment. I guess i just need to digest myself with the dont-friggin-care feeling.

what if . . .

Yesterday, when i was sitting by the window pane, staring at the empty blue sky , my mind was struck with endless words and question marks. No doubt, curiosity was the one that had its button pushed and there were no other feelings left to be spoken. Everyone has their own says and beliefs over something. And, so do i . I was caught up in a shape where there were no edges to say goodbye. I believe, this life that we are living in is like a puzzle. Its either we decipher the missing pieces of it or we just let it be. Its our burden to carry and yes, it is optional.


Every ticking sound that the clock made, was the reason for my fear to smear. Time is old enough to give it a rest anytime soon. It makes me ponder , how one could slacken his grip over his destiny when the fact that says, "nothing lasts forever" is a knowledge buried naturally deep inside our raw flesh. Everything that we have has its expiry date and sad to say, so do us. Still, we are living in the life as if none of that would happen. As if none of that could have happened to us. Why? Every time i let loose my ponderous mind and let it tow itself to a stream of wonderland, i get nothing but the extreme shivers. The only question that has taken its toll on me was 'what if'. I can only arouse my mind and heart from this sweet but lethal dream , but my body can never follow the beat. I can only get myself fumed with rage with no one else but myself . . but that won't solve the puzzle still. .

The Earth is already aching . It takes us only one drop of awareness and everything is intelligible enough for us to witness. Anything can happen within just a glimpse and i wonder if my good deeds while i was breathing would be enough to support me next.

So, i am shifting the prodigious burden to your shoulder now. What if. . .

tossing the anguish , here come the "lights" !

I unfurled my rabble brain up , letting it be less vulnerable for now. Apparently, ,making a humongous effort to clear the prodigious lump that were growing in my head like a tumor. Too young to die. lol. I had finally assembled my entire anguishes and lob it in the washing machine. Let the affliction bleach away the wounds and be more sweeter to me this time ! Its time to spruce myself up with less melancholies , less bitter agonies and start casting more recognizable smiles *custom made for the haters*. I know there are labels on my forehead that says ' ONCE BROKEN CONSIDERED GONE' but you can never bring me down. *evil laugh*

Oh well, i don't know why but i have this peculiar flair for girls that play guitars. It is simply phlegmatic to watch. If i get my ex-girlfriend to sing for me, i guess i'd be losing myself to the gravity thoroughly. Or probably, get stroke. LMAO. Sweet sweet gospel baby! Start strumming the strings for your ex-boyfriend if the word 'jerk' had finally slapped your face. That is the best way to say you are sorry to them .

Time flies like fat cupids on the air . It is almost the end of 2009 and an extreme enthusiasm are streaking down my blood stream. Vacations , parties , vacations and more parties are waiting for me ! =p

ps/ i am no longer the extravagant horror monster with distress. I am so happy right now. =p

awfully mesmerised

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, the dots will remain only one colour - pink. However if you stare at the black “+” in the center, the moving dot turns to green.

Now, concentrate on the black “+” in the center of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see only a single green dot rotating.

It’s amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don’t disappear. Proof enough that we don’t always see what we think we see…

eyesless -__-

could be you ;]

I never knew love could actually urge someone to be so loony. lol. In other words, it can practically haul your sanity far away from your memory. No matter how many unforgivable yet lunatic things that she had actually done, a sip of forgiveness is still there to bury all of that alive. As if , the inexcusable things are apparently nothing. Nothing at all. It can simply being washed away that easily by a meaningless sorry. Leaving all of those absurd says to be something historical. And you'll be faking a big smile just to conceal all those things from being revealed. But who are you trying to be kidding with ? You can't lie to yourself. But yeah, more and more lies to be embed beneath your chest just to soothe you out. Telling yourself that, it is okay , her won't do it again. I never knew how forgiving i can actually be until now. It is way beyond my expectations though.

I guess its true when Shakespeare says love is blind. Somehow love can really dig the insanity that you have been hiding all this while out, and still , you can never realize how stupid you are until her ditched you once and for all. Loving someone could vanish your vitality into dusts, abandoning yourself with the embarrassment to bare. The spell that her cast in the minute where those three words had been spoken out for the first time, would die out once you've finally opened your eyes at once. Oh god, she was a witch. ROFL.

If you are reading this, its amazing how your voice could flush my words down to the cemetery, taking my breathe away all at once, making my heart beats so fast that it was skipping a few beats. And no, i am not exaggerating anything. Its the truth. My body was shivering recklessly. And its funny, how your voice could really hit me such way. Butterflies were smacking my tummy. With just a simple hello and a beep sound. -_- i hate you for that. geeez.

blow out the anguish

i am blowing out the anguish =p


Somehow, i have get wind of the fact that i was never born to treasure anyone above me. I was born with a chunky of ego. I was born with such burning petulance in me and i was born to possess such a hefty yet obstinate head . I was born with an attitude.. I was born to antagonize people that i love. I was born to not exercise. ROFL. People may loathe me for who i am but it is rather better than being loathe for the ones that i am not. Why bother loving some bogus person ? Still, i never want to change anything about me. I am being optimistic here and i had been whispering to myself throughout the years that there is actually someone out there ought to accept me for who i am. Not for who i am not. I had been clinching myself with people that loves me instead of the loathers. They said i was strong but i could never comprehend that very word. Until now . .


When i start to put the puzzles back in shape, everything seems to be crystal clear now. No words could explicate how i am grateful to be me. My life is vaguely exquisite and i won't trafficking any of the chumps for anyone. No matter how many desolation that i had to come to grips with, none of it would ever knock me down until hell freezes over. I am not the stamp that cries every night for some preposterous reasons. I only shed one tear on one hitch and get things over with. Now, the word 'strong ' is propagating around diffusing into every cells of my body. Once, i was a delicate person that never knew anything about life and now, its over. Yes, my life can be really distressing . I was vulnerable most of the time. Can be so doleful that all i wanted to do was to run away, to pull the trigger, to choke myself to death or catapult myself into the sea and get things over with . I had been through so much and it doesn't hurt to swallow more.


Nevertheless, none of the woes that immersed in me gave me rues. Somehow, it gave me the guiding light to keep on living, to keep on breathing, to keep on smiling. Hence, maybe you should know, i am not heartless but my heart is no longer fragile. =]